We are the ones we've been waiting for.

I was 10 when George W Bush was elected to office. In 2000 during the election year I was in 5th grade, in my public school this was the year we learned about the Boston Tea Party and started to learn more about our American History. This also meant my teacher kept us informed of the election. In magazines aimed at my age group like Time for Kids that was kept in our classrooms, the election and election process was a big topic. I was aware. I was also aware of what my parents thought of the candidates and knew that although I lived in a blue state because of Chicago, the part of Illinois I grew up in might not be as left leaning as the city that swayed our state 50 miles away from my home. I remember being disappointed that the candidate the people in my house and my church community talked fondly about didn't win that election but I don't remember deep despair or anger.

I was 14 when George W Bush got re-elected to office. I was now angry, angry that I didn't have a voice in our political system. I was angry that our teachers kept telling us we are the future, but as the future we had no say in who was shaping the future of our country and the adults who were shaping the future for us had voted someone into office again who had put us at war and did not seem to share any of my core values. I bought CD's that had various artists who wrote songs in protest called "Rock Against Bush Vol.1 and 2" I had a sweatshirt with his face and the phrase "Not My President" on the back, and I even went out a few times with my mom, younger sister and fellow members of our UU church and protested his presidency and the war. I learned how to be a budding activist. I learned that resisting and calling out injustice was not only my right as an American, but my duty.

The high school I went to was a mixture of farm families and families who resided in the suburbs. Although we were not diverse racially, we were diverse socioeconomically. Because of this I had many classmates and teachers who did not share the same views I did, or sometimes understand where I was coming from. I have a vivid memory of  being in my sophomore American History class and having the student teacher from the university close by tell me "I have never met a nurturing and kind staunch feminist before." after he watched me go from giving a passionate presentation about the women's rights movement in the 1960's (with a visual of a decorated metal trash can full of peace signs and quotes from strong women like Gloria Steinem) to waiting for the bell to ring standing with my group of friends, embraced in a hug by one of my close male friends. This was the first time I remember hearing feminist be used as a backhanded compliment and negative thing. I was always told feminism and being a feminist was a positive. It empowered me and still does. I didn't let that student teacher in his 20's and his interpretation of what a staunch feminist looked like change either the way I interacted with my friends or my strong sense of identity.

I was 18 when I cast my first ballot in a national election, my group of friends and I decided that the election was a perfect excuse to skip all our classes for the day and drive around town gathering all the free things we could get because we voted. We blared music and a few would roll windows down at stoplights yelling OBAMA 08! We spent the evening watching John Stewart and Stephen Colbert cover the election with most of the people who lived in our residence hall. When it was announced that Barack Obama was our President Elect, the excitement in the room was uncontainable. Many of us felt like our voices were finally heard and we were able to take part in such a historical moment for our country.

I was 22 when I cast my second ballot for President Obama. I don't have the same rose tinted excitement associated with this, cast my ballot and prayed that some of the campaign promises that he made in 2008 would happen. Eager for change in our immigration system, LGBTQ rights, and desperately wanting Guantanamo Bay to be shut down. I was relieved and thankful that evening when he stayed on and was re elected for his second term.

During President Obama's terms in office healthcare became more affordable and accessible, pipelines were stopped, and now all in our country are free to marry the one they love. Progress was made and lives were made better. But there was still plenty of justice work to be done in our country. I took part in walks to help larger national conversations happen about mental health and suicide prevention and awareness, protested the treatment of people incarcerated in Maricopa County under Sheriff Joe Arpaio, listened to horror stories of the environmental impact open coal barging and rallied to help end them, and took to the streets chanting "Black Lives Matter" fighting against racial injustice and police brutality. Even when the leaders you want in power are in power, injustice does not stop, the struggle does not stop, our work does not stop.

I am 26 now and cast my ballot in November 2016, I cried when I filled in my ballot. I cried thinking of how I was casting my vote for a woman to become president. I cried and was cocky, thinking this election was already decided. I was wrong. On election night I cried again, a different cry, a cry for our nation and its future. A cry of fear and anger. That cry then turned to a fire, a fire that I had not felt since I was 15, only this time the fire in my belly was intensified because I made my voice known, but that was not enough. Intensified because I now work with teens who were already voicing how unfair it is that they can not vote.

In the 11 years since I first felt that anger from who was elected as the President I feel like I have been prepping for this. I have learned how to write to my elected officials, I learned how to non violently and peacefully protest, I can engage in conversation with friends and family who do not share the same views without yelling or name calling. I have been training and learning how to start to become the adult I was desperately looking for when I was 15. Looking on my social media, I see this in many of my friends as well. We are not sitting idly by, we are actively trying to make our world better. We are becoming the ones we were waiting for 11 years ago.

I am 26 and I am fearful, angry, and hopeful. Hopeful because I see potential in our youth, the youth who are mad that we as adults have made their future scarier than ever by who has been elected into office. Hopeful that the fire many of us have felt in our gut gets spread to the youths as well. Hopeful that this next generation becomes hungry for change and becomes the ones they waited for. Because disappointments will always happen and what matters is how we react to the loss and disappointment and if we continue to strive to be the people we wished we had in our lives when things went wrong, we can continue to build a better world.

Not Your Average Bachelorette.

Like many I am in love with all things in Bachelor Nation. I get swept up in the drama, the back stories, the connection, and if things work out the love stories. I love watching the elaborate dates and cattiness from the house, it helps me escape the awkwardness that is my dating life that is full of weird interactions and normally ends in text breakups. But in recent years the show that once took people we had never heard of and put them on our screens on Monday nights the only way to now become the bachelor or bachelorette is to be a runner up or former contestant. For many reasons I doubt I would be the best fit in a house with 20+ other women, but I would make for a pretty kickass bachelorette. So without further ado, here is my open letter to Chris Harrison to maybe see if we can change this cycle.

Dear Chris,

You don't know me and I don't know you, well I see you on social media and my tv screen but I don't know you. But I have some pretty compelling reasons why instead of picking from the pool of women of bachelors seasons past you should put a new face for America to fall in love with and cringe at on Mondays

1) I am short, have extra pounds that stick to my body, my hair is never perfect, and I would much rather wear a pair of Birkenstocks than heels. I may not look like your brand but why should that be an issue? Brands sometimes need a little shake up and why not show the young people that watch this show that everyone deserves a chance at love.

2) My dates will save you buckets of money. I have a terrible fear of heights and so I won't need helicopters or any very small plane that goes upside down, but if you could get me to Disneyland I would not complain. I am way more into going on dates that will help me envision my future with the men. Lets do some bar trivia, cook some food together, and grab brunch before going to a hardware store to pick out the paint for an overcomplicated DIY project I found on pinterest. I would much rather get to know someone over putting together IKEA furniture than cruising on a sailboat at sunset. Because I am sure more people break up over IKEA furniture than private concerts and dinner by candlelight.

3) I want to be the one getting on one knee at the finale. Sure let the men pick a ring, but can it be slightly more modest? (and rose gold?) But I also want to find a ring and get down on one knee. This is about my journey to find love and if I am the one making the choice, I want to be the one to ask my partner to marry me.

4) I already enjoy tweeting and I am not ashamed to tweet out some brand deal stuff, maybe those pastel blue gummy vitamins for nice hair, because I have fine hair so maybe some cartoon looking vitamins that the Kardashians and the women of the bachelor family love so much will help my fine hair. My instagram and snapchat need a little work but don't worry, I am a fast learner.

5) Life is short and worth taking chances. If I kept talking about writing this and not just doing it, it's just another idea that landed in my 'what if' pile. I don't have anything to lose and there is no real worst case scenario. So that is that, I'm a straight cisgendered white girl who wants to find a partner without swiping right or left. I want to find my partner in crime, my person who will laugh at me singing along to showtunes before joining in only knowing the tune because I obnoxiously played the song on repeat, the person to lay out and watch the night sky with me until my allergies get too bad and we need to go inside. I want an unfiltered mid sneeze photo love not a beauty filtered flower crown love.

If any of this sounds appealing to you, please do accept my rose.🌹

I look forward to hearing from you, or at least hearing you Monday Nights at 8EST/7CST on ABC for another exciting episdode of The Bachelor.

Respectfully and Slightly Unromantically,
Ayla

The cons of online courtships

**This post was originally for a friends online magazine, so when I address the audience as slackers, it is for that context**

In an age of social media it isn’t surprising that if you don’t go out every weekend to the bars, you may be turning to the internet to find dating perspectives. We have all seen those great commercials that show just how happy people can be with dating websites, what they are failing to talk about are the horrendous dates and messages you will get along with the maybe 4% chance you will find someone who doesn’t make your skin crawl. 

 I want to be candid with you and tell you exactly what online dating has been for me, I wont hold back because well that is what a big sister figure is supposed to do, try things and then tell you what’s up! The only thing I am going to be changing in these stories are the names of the dudes. Now we have all seen the buzzfeed articles of the horror stories of tinder and ok cupid messages, I’ve had my share of those as well but I’m not talking about the “I’ll pay you to sleep with me” messages. I am talking about the uncomfortable dates, the excitement when you find someone and then you figure out what secrets they are hiding, and the let down of thinking you hit it off with someone, but really they aren’t that into you. 

I have had a dating profile for a little over a year now, I started out seriously terrified that if I went on a date with someone I would end up dying in some parking lot because I watch too many lifetime movies. When I finally decided to grab a drink with Blake I was super nervous and a little weary, I mean we connected on pretty much everything we talked about. From music taste, to political stances we were in agreement. We met up for a drink and ended up talking for over 4 hours, it was awesome. He was polite and attempted to laugh at my awful jokes and it just seemed to go well. Now in my crazy girl brain I totally thought I blew it when we said goodbye because he was so much taller than I was, that I went straight in for a side hug so I didn’t end up with my face buried in his bellybutton. Now Blake is an artist type, musician and very free spirit. I wasn’t expecting much but when two weeks went by and I didn’t hear back from him I just assumed that he had no desire to see me again and hey, I was cool with that. But he texted and said that he really loved talking to me but some things in his life has just made it weird. If anyone knows what that means please tell me.

After the weirdness of that first experience I was extra skeptical of going on a date with Sebastian but I swallowed my nervousness and put on my big girl pants and said “why not!” Well why not was because in that hour and a half date I was asked half way through my beer if I just wanted to go back to his house and have a beer. No, I was having a beer right now, what am I, a two beer floosie? This was after he told me that one of his hobbies was making hip hop music in his garage. I was pretty positive that if I went back to his house I was going to end up in a hole putting lotion on my skin. I just wanted to finish this beer and run to my best friends house to feel safe again. He walked me to my car and I could tell that he was going in for that goodnight kiss, which I seriously avoided and gave him that cursed side hug. He thankfully got that hint and we haven’t spoken since. 

If I was a smart person I should have just called it quits but nope, I jumped back on that dang dating horse again! Luke was awesome and we ended up hitting it off, our first date was sweet and exactly what I needed to build my confidence up. He was a gentleman and waited to kiss me till after our second date. Things finally were working out slackers! We had a blissful month of cute couple things, the first night I spent at his house we stayed up far too late because he was making shadow puppets with his hands on the ceiling. One night when we were all snuggled up he said “I need to tell you something” I didn’t think anything of it and just waited for Luke to elaborate more. “I have a drug addiction, I’ve been clean for years and actually don’t drink or do anything that alters my body” Ok, I can deal with a pill or cocaine addiction. “I hit bottom when the police found my pot in my car and I got a ticket for possession” Well there goes Luke ever meeting my wonderful hippie parents, or a few of my friends. We ended shortly after that, not specifically because of that, but because it just wasn’t working. 

Luke and I ended around Christmas time and I took a little time before reactivating my profile because not only was it the holidays but because I was a little bummed out that things didn’t work out between us.  This brings us to the most recent date, the one that made me say “I need to write this down because I feel like a cautionary tale of dating” Matt seemed nice, and we were talking for a while so we decided to grab a drink this past Saturday. Slackers, I have never been so bored talking to someone in my whole 25 years on this earth. He answered my questions with one word or sometimes even just a chuckle and we talked about the weather not once, not twice, but three times in our painfully long 50 min. meet up. He is older than I am and still goes out and drinks quite a bit. I am hoping he gains a personality when he drinks, and that is what his friends see. 

Even with all of this said, I will still put myself out there and look for that diamond in the rough. Because after meeting with all of these frogs, I am bound to find at least some form of royalty, even if he ends up not being my prince. I’ve gotten some wine and coffee out of these experiences and some great anecdotes. My self esteem has been bruised at times, but that’s okay because I am pretty badass and wont let some boy get me down. As one of my closest guy friends (who happens to be my best friends husband) says to me “I am the catchiest of the catches, and someone will see that” So until I find myself a fella, with or without a purple umbrella, I will just continue to laugh and go along for the weird ride that is dating in a digital society.

Why did the headless chicken run into the road? To find his head of course!

Some days being a religious educator can get tiring, I will spend my days trying to pull volunteers together, write out emails to various committees, plan for the upcoming months, start on arts and crafts so there is always a model for Sunday mornings, and I make sure that I am taken care of spiritually myself. Yes, like most things I have those throw in the towel moments where I just want to stop and go get myself an office job where I don't have to be responsible for instilling morals and faith values into the children and youth of our congregation. But I never do, I always find that silver lining that will keep me going another day. I am a firm believer that your calling in life doesn't just come to you without hard work or a little struggle now and again. My lessons are never going to end in the career I have chosen, I will never stop being the advocate for our children and youth and try my hardest to get them what I believe will help benefit them. I'll never stop asking parents and congregation members to volunteer their time to help show that the next generation matters. I will never stop embarrassing all of the children and youth in our program by telling stories about them, and doing super nerdy dances when I get really excited about a lesson I am teaching. This is what makes me, this job helps define me and I help define this job.

On crazy days where I just can't catch a break and I feel like dunking my head in some cold water to catch my breath, I always find myself snuggled on my oversized chair drinking a cup of something warm, depending on the day it will be some tea or a giant cup of coffee. In that small time of reflection and quiet I am able to think about why I do what I do. Why I constantly look like I am flying by the seat of my pants to the congregation some days, and why my mind runs a million miles an hour. I do this because I want to help change the world, and the only way to do that is to tell your truth to those who will listen, and my audience happens to be kindergarteners through high schoolers. They will tell me when I am crazy and they will listen when I make them. Even though they may not agree with everything I say, I am helping them create critical thinking skills so they can form their own opinions and that is changing the world. If we all just had someone supporting us, telling us to think for ourselves, and loving us no matter what our truth is I think we could make some serious change.

My Life as Calling

Recently I gave part of a sermon at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Central Oregon. Here is what I wrote.

"I like to have strong opinions with nothing to back them up with besides my primal sincerity. I like sincerity. I lack sincerity.

-Kurt Cobain

I’ve always wanted to be as primarily sincere as Kurt Cobains lyrics, putting myself out there exposed and open for the whole world to see. I wanted my deepest fears and desires on display. I thought that was a desirable and attainable goal. I have always wanted my life’s work to mean something more. Maybe that is just me or maybe it Is part of my generation. My generation is full of daydreamers and creative powerhouses, like all generations. But we are not just sitting around daydreaming while playing video games and roaming the internet, we are doing. It may not be loudly but we are a powerful silent change maker. Instead of protesting everything we are slowly making change, we are using the media to make our voices heard and when we are told no. we will rant, rave and put on guy Fawkes masks and go to the streets to let our views be known.

Like all generations we have an overall calling and I believe ours is “make it work.” Yes Tim Gunn made that phrase popular on the TV show Project Runway but this phrase goes so much deeper that a reality tv show. We are leaving college in an unstable economy and patch working jobs together that are sometimes not even close to what we went to school for to stay above the poverty line, we are making it work. We are feeling voiceless as politics are taking possession of our bodies, sex lives, and who we can legally commit our love and lives too and as damn frustrated as we are we are making it work, We are avoiding calls from collection agencies who need our student loan payments even though sometimes our paycheck wont stretch through the month, we have to make it work. This may sound like I am complaining and making our lives sound like all hardship but I am bringing up realities that are around us.

What I have not mentioned is how incredibly passionate my generation is. I have a friend who is in school for ministry right now who has been arrested while protesting occupy wall street and is so involved with his community he goes to long city meetings staying awake by doing push ups in the back of the room until he can go up and say what he came there to say. I have a friend who is in Paris right now studying foreign policy because she wants to be the change in the world, not just talk or read about it. She talks of how she would love to help change the face of politics and work on human relations and rights one human at a time. I have a brave friend who is going to school full time so she can make dreams for her and her family come true. I am so in awe of all of these people and I feel it is part of my calling to raise them up and support them.

I didn’t always want to be a minister. I had dreams of being a starving actress working two jobs so I could have a bad apartment and eat cup of noodles in New York City racing to get to auditions and rehearsals. I wanted to be a high school music teacher, inspiring kids like my high school teachers did for me, but then I learned I really hated music theory. I knew that my calling was to be present and make a difference in peoples lives.

I was three the first time I was told I would make a great minister one day. I had said something apparently very prophetic for a three year old in church in Connecticut and our minister told me that. The next time would be when I was 19, my childhood minister from Illinois responded to an email I had sent him catching him up on how my life was in Oregon and when I had told him some of the things I had started doing in UUFCO he told me I should think about becoming a minister because it was clearly where my heart was.

Nelson Mandela said “I was not a messiah, but an ordinary man who had become a leader because of extraordinary circumstances.” I knew I wanted to become a minister because of an extraordinary circumstance in my life. That circumstance was coming into this church on an ordinary Sunday. This would be my second time stepping into this church and Cameron Clark made an announcement about how youth group would start that evening. I approached him after the service and explained about my involvement in my UU congregation back in Illinois and was introduced then to Rebecca Fender who invited me that night. Sitting in the cottage as almost a complete stranger watching how warm and welcoming this congregation was and how my age or where I had come from didn’t matter, all that mattered was what I had to say. Working with the youth group and then the children’s RE program that first year made me realize how much I cherished this faith and wanted to make this denomination my life’s work. I don’t know if those two people will ever realize what a profound impact they had on my life by just kindly inviting me to sit in on the youth groups meeting that night.

Calling to ministry I feel was building for me all my life. I was an over involved child in the UU church in Illinois. Helping rewrite our mission statement at 16, being an integral part of the youth service we put on every year and then raising money to go and walk in what was my true first social justice experience in NYC in 2008 on a 20 mile walk for suicide prevention and awareness from dusk to dawn. That experience alone has changed me in ways I am still learning about. But that smack in the face moment about my calling to ministry happened out of the blue. I didn’t expect it but I embraced it with 2 arms wide open and ready for whatever happened next. Once I felt that call I realized a weight had lifted from my shoulders and I stopped laying in bed at night thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up.

My life goal is to inspire, question, ponder, laugh, and admire through my ministry. I want to stand up and do something when I see injustice and try and make a difference. I want to feel as connected to this faith as much as I did in 2012 when I was standing on the side of love at tent city during a vigil when 2,000 strong inspiring Unitarian Universalists chanted Si Se Puede loud enough for the prisoners could hear us and feel our support. I want to bring change to this world, even if that means I touch one persons life, because that is a beautiful thing I aspire to do every day. I want to be like my father and bring change to the environment, even if that means just composting. I want to be like my mother and be so open and giving, even if that means just being ready for what the world has to offer and having no expectations. I want to be like those young adults in the video, breaking stereotypes for the better. I want to be like all of you, hungry and eager to learn. I think being inspired by people on a daily basis is part of ministry. I need to live my life primal sincere because that is the only way I know and the only way I want to know. Lastly I want you to know that my life calling begins and ends with all of you. I want to be an agent of change to this ever changing world and hopefully make my footprint on the world last a little bit, and have an amazing time doing it. I may not know exactly where my life calling will take me but I do know that I will enjoy doing whatever it is I do."

Orange juice guilt.

So I am sometimes a little overly cautious about where my food is being sourced from. I want a true ethical product for all involved. If you know me you know that I take immigration reform insanely seriously and will not support any company that treats workers poorly. Well most orange farms treat their employees almost like slave laborers and pay them pennies. It is insane to me to be able to drink your orange juice without feeling guilty as to where this came from. I know it is just juice but still, buying and consuming just one product is perpetuation the cycle and making the product in demand. Why is it so hard to have human equity? We have stickers that show products are animal cruelty free, why not human cruelty free?

I am on a soapbox tonight

So I try to keep my social politics to myself for the most part. This is until someone does something so INCREDIBLY DUMB that I need to call them out. That person would be Mr. Lorenzo Garcia at the University of Texas. He is representing the the Young Conservatives of Texas and supporting a 'catch an illegal immigrant day'. Seriously? Really? You think that is appropriate? Walking around campus making students show their id's and then taking them to immigration services and then receiving a $25 gift card. Look, I am not one to judge what you do in your spare time...well that is until you decide you need to take the law into your own hands. Even if that is a non-violent hand. What is that student doing to you? Why do we need multiple Joe Arpio's? One of him is already too many. Let us look back to 1492 when we were 'discovering' land and then immigrated and pillaged here. I am sure the Native Americans would have liked to put up borders and kept us out but we were bigger, stronger, and had more small pox blankets than they did. We have not learned our lessons yet because as a mixing pot country we should be embracing the fact that people want to come here for a better life and not acting like complete assholes and calling them aliens while dehumanizing them and throwing them back to a country they left for reasons, or don't know at all because their family brought them here as infants. I pray that we all get some compassion injections in us soon because we need some compassionate immigration reform. We don't need bigger or larger walls, we need to tear those walls down. We don't need to be afraid of other cultures, we need to embrace them. We don't need to shun anything that is different, we need to welcome change. Seriously America, (wo)man the fuck up.